Chapter 237 - Pre-Release Leaks Thread

I have always been super self conscious about myself due to my family always saying stuff and pointing stuff out. Because of them I have body dysmorphia. I was always too skinny, I had 2 kids under 2yrs old and gained just a smidge of weight but I always see myself and anorexic regardless… I can’t stand staring at myself in the mirror and even if I glance quickly I want to cry. What can I do that can help me look pretty? Honest opinions 🥲

I (32m) am fairly happy with the life I've built for myself. My career, hobbies, and platonic relationships are more than enough to keep me happy and I don't actively look for relationships or sexual partners even though I do hope to get married someday. Of course, sometimes people do come into my life and we date or sleep together, but it's not a obsession like I see with most of my friends.

Then I met Helen (28F) at a party through mutual friends and we really hit it off. I asked her out and we had a great first date and ended up sleeping together. Things seemed to move relatively quickly from there. We saw each other about five times in the span of two weeks after our first date, all the while texting and even having an occasional phone call. I won't lie, I felt like I was falling pretty hard for this girl. She was everything I could have imagined wanting in a life partner: intelligent, independent, passionate, and kind (not to mention gorgeous).

Well it all went south last week when she asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I told her of course not and that I don't sleep with multiple people at the same time. But then I wondered about her, and she told me she had been seeing two other guys, but she wanted to be exclusive with me. I asked her if she had been sleeping with them and she said yes. She had even slept with both of them at least once since we started dating.

Once I gathered my thoughts, I told her I didn't want to see her anymore. Here I thought the feeling was reciprocated but I found out I was just one of a few items on the menu for her. She started to get upset and told me that since we hadn't discussed exclusivity, she didn't owe me anything and that it was the whole point of this discussion. I told her that while she didn't owe me it, the fact that she didn't stop seeing those other guys on her own volition showed that either she didn't feel the same way about me as I did about her or we have totally different ideas around sex and intimacy.

She said she had dated so many guys in the past who wouldn't commit so she didn't want to end up alone if I wouldn't be exclusive. I could feel the hurt she had gone through when she said this, but I guess I don't understand, why keep around casual sex partners if you want something serious? If she wasn't willing to take a risk for me and potentially get hurt because of her past experiences, I don't want to play the role of intimacy therapist (I didn't say this part to her though). So I told her my mind was made up and she left in tears.

Anyway, my friends have pretty much dogpiled on me after hearing about it. They told me I was an asshole and brought up a bunch of talking points about feminism and slut shaming. It seemed pretty unfair since I never tried to make Helen feel bad about herself, I just didn't think we were compatible and it seemed better to end in then and there.

This is a generalization, to a degree. As a university professor, I've seen a steep decline the academic quality of college freshmen for the past 10 years. The culture has changed significantly. A recent conference I attended statistically pointed this out as well.

The issue isn't intelligence. The current generation of college freshmen is extremely bright, but they appear to have four weaknesses that hold them back from success.

1. They lack critical thinking skills. I believe this is because they were raised with access to any given information at any given time. An answer is a Google search away and there is no reason to evaluate it any further. They seem to be great at answering "what," "when" and "where" questions but terrible at answering "why" and to some degree "how" questions. In other words, "The answer is the answer," nothing more matters and no further thought is required.
2. Flexibility to tolerate things they aren't interested in. It is extremely common, in my experience, for students to skip assignments they find uninteresting, but to become highly engaged in the assignments they find interesting. Unfortunately, not all course work can be enjoyable. This also encompasses attendance.
3. The belief that no matter what happens, things will just work out. Since Covid, the number of students who will turn in absolutely no course work or very little has tripled (I don't have the source at hand). The belief is that "I attended some classes, so I should pass," "I turned in some work, so I should pass," etc. This isn't how things work. Another interesting thing, that is somewhat relevant, is that we can see everything a student does on Blackboard or Canvas. We can see what they click on, when they click on it, etc. This generation has a stark divide between students who obsessively check their grades and those who never do, with the latter group growing.
4. There is no passion for university. It's just the pursuit of a piece of paper which will ultimately mean less than the experience and connections you're supposed to develop. This is more of societal issue that older generations, have created.
5. EDIT: This one I initially forgot. Students aren't taught the skills to develop or identify the skills they're missing. Often then just want instructions on how to do something and find no interest in the journey to find the answer. This often leads to students not able to substantiate their opinions and arguments.

Now, I'm not putting down the younger generation. They're extremely passionate about things that are important to them. Somewhere, society failed them. We either failed raising them, educating them and/or preparing them to take the first steps of adulthood.

Feel free to disagree, as much of this is speculation, but this has been quite the topic in conferences and meetings this year.

TL;DR The current generation shouldn't chase a piece of paper if that's not what they want to do as they won't get the experience that they need to make use of it.

Edit: spelling

I also apparently cannot spell compatible. Enjoy the laugh!

Edit again: A few of you seem to be missing the point. Students are students. They merely repeat what has been successful for them in the past and they can only know what they've been taught. We, society, the education system and many other factors failed them. We didn't give them the tools to even figure out what they don't know or the tools to figure out how to figure things out.

Yet another edit: Didn't expect this to get so much traction. I can no longer respond to everyone, but I'll do what I can. Thanks for the great insight thus far.

For those of you who don't know a husband sitch is an extra stitch done on the vagina after birth to make it tighter for the husband. I (25f) gave birth a year ago and my husband (34m) who was a surgeon at the hospital I delivered was asked by his colleague (the OBGYN) if he wanted an extra stitch. My husband said yes because he "thought it would make sex better for the both of us".I didn't notice as I was out of it but I was in a lot of pain afterward, since it was my first kid I was not sure if it was normal or not, I kept asking the nurses who told me it might be because of the husband's stitch. I asked her what that was and she explained to me.

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I thought at first the doctor had just done it and I wanted to report him but then my husband said he had agreed to it. I felt violated, this wasn't the first time a man violated my body, I was a molestation victim as a child. But this was the first time it was someone I loved. When I told him this my husband was extremely angry, he said he did it for both of us and he didn't think it was such a big deal that he didn't know it would cause issues. I pointed out he was a neurosurgeon and he said he wasn't an OBGYN. The fight got ugly, I screamed at him to get out, and in the end, I had to be sedated. I had the same reaction every time he tried to see me. So for the whole time I was at the hospital (3 weeks because of a slow recovery) I didn't see him.

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Now my son has turned a year old and things between us are nonexistent, I only talk to him about our son. We sleep in different rooms and I don't let him so much as kiss me. He is extremely remorseful especially as he saw how much it affected my recovery, he genuinely thought it was okay as the college presented it as "it will make the sex better". But why would a tighter vagina feel better for women? That only feels good for men. He has asked for couples therapy which I have refused. I have taken up freelancing so I am making some of my own money, my husband thinks I am doing that because I plan to leave him. As I was initially dependent on him.

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He's partially right, I don't see myself getting over this. I am NC with my family and I live in his country, I have no friends but his friends, no family but his. Everyone is on me to make things right. They say he was wrong but I can't hold one mistake over his head. My current country isn't exactly known for women's rights, femicide is more common here than you might think. I am also on a spouse visa. I can't leave him until my son is at least old enough to remember me. Because if I leave there is a 90% chance I will lose custody. What should I do in the meantime to make our relationship bearable?