r/funny 14d ago Bravo Grande! 1 Silver 11 Helpful 9 Wholesome 15 All-Seeing Upvote 1 Take My Energy 1 Bravo! 1 Narwhal Salute 1

My brother decided to sneak some cheese cake late last night. I heard a crash and came out to this.

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85.4k Upvotes

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7.0k

u/pbmcc88 14d ago Silver Helpful All-Seeing Upvote Starry Eureka!

Print it, frame it, hang it in the kitchen.

1.9k

u/Wookiees_n_cream 14d ago

This year's Christmas card!

271

u/carrotdude10 14d ago

Lmao yesss

120

u/Time_Punk 14d ago

It looks like one of those pictures where they recreate a photo from when they were a baby.

16

u/coowy 13d ago

or a really cool albulm cover

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u/salsanacho 14d ago

Make a Christmas ornament out of it too and give it to everyone as a present.

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u/Livid_Question_5823 14d ago Silver Helpful Wholesome

Those containers are loud. Try opening one up in the middle of the night, not wake up the house. He probably dropped it by accident then killed himself.

2.6k

u/FutureBondVillain 14d ago Helpful

The more quiet I try to be in the middle of the night, the louder those stupid containers are. The funny thing is, no one cares. But we all do it. And it feels terrible when everyone else is asleep and you have to peel that one edge off to open new cookies or something from Costco, and it sounds like you're revving up a chainsaw.

1.2k

u/trebaol 14d ago Wholesome

I've carried things into the garage just to open them before, just for this reason lmao

330

u/Msfancy1973 14d ago

Same! But I open the sliding door and go out on the deck to open loud packaging. When you’re desperate for a soda but don’t want anyone to hear!

178

u/Melin_SWE92 14d ago

If you open a loud packaging but noone else hears it, did you really open it?

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u/Ditto_is_Lit 14d ago

Or when you try to ninjaly open it and it reseals itself on the opposite side only creating more noise.

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u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago Wholesome Table Slap

So THAT'S how my parents always busted me raiding the fridge for leftovers late at night!!

One of my most haunting life-long questions as a fat Deaf kid finally answered. If only I knew then....

580

u/tinathefatlard123 14d ago

I can only imagine the ruckus I would make if I didn’t know I was making it.

625

u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago

I can tell you this much - I have not been invited to join a clan of ninjas.

YET.

195

u/MissSugarWaffle 14d ago

I think I love you.

711

u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago Helpful Wholesome Take My Energy Table Slap Spit-take

I'll allow it. 👍

But if the ninjas come calling, then, baby, I'm gone. Vanished without a trace to become a shadowy assassin of the night. Poof.🤌 Not Batman, per se, but Batman-ish. Batman-adjacent. You'll never hear me coming and neither will I.

232

u/OliBoliz 14d ago

"You'll never hear me coming and neither will I"

So good 😂

81

u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago

That's my new superhero catchphrase. Either that or...

"(BAMF!) What?"

77

u/Done_Goofeded 14d ago

I'm over here sounding like a hyperventilating dog through his nose. That got me laughing

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u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago Silver

I'm glad you said this to them instead of me; I'd have required an interpreter.

If my sense of humor maintains this reaction after five hours, please consult your vet.

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u/TylerPronouncedSeth 14d ago

You'll never hear me coming and neither will I.

My brother in christ... You're actually hilarious lmao.

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u/DeafMaestro010 14d ago

Someday I will write my autobiography and if I may include this quote for my inside book cover, it may be enough for a genre crossover.

"DEAFMAESTRO: Just Guessing, But Your Music Probably Sucks - An Autobiography based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire. Soon to be a major motion picture" coming soon to bookstores and those awkward strip mall religious commerce stores that Jesus never would have approved of NEAR YOU!

No audiobooks available. Don't ask.

43

u/RandomStallings 14d ago

No audiobooks available. Don't ask.

I'll just wait for the movie.

33

u/zatchbell1998 14d ago

Jokes on you it's a silent movie

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u/Gamergonemild 14d ago

Love you energy

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u/Cm0002 14d ago

Big Container is conspiring with Big Sweets to do it intentionally, change my mind

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u/aynhon 14d ago

Big Barcode Label is the bottleneck.

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11.5k

u/Altoid-Man 14d ago Silver

Image of a broken man.

4.7k

u/Solid_Snark 14d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome Wholesome Seal of Approval

See if The Cheesecake Factory can rebuild him. They have the technology.

1.6k

u/carolinafreeze 14d ago Silver

He'll be more cheesecake than man now.

375

u/plarmstrong 14d ago

Twisted and evil.

238

u/lgndk11r 14d ago

Darth (Vel) Veeta

178

u/VegasLife1111 14d ago

Darth (Fell) Veeta.

137

u/positivecynik 14d ago

Sith Floored

29

u/ForeverFingers 14d ago

God damn this thread. Lol

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u/RealJeil420 14d ago

Boba Fetta

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u/coolguy1793B 14d ago

Princess Labneh

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u/dr_lizardo 14d ago Take My Energy

The six million calorie man, Stevia Exhausten.

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u/x31b 14d ago

At 200lbs, that will be about $6mm at the Cheesecake Factory, buying it by the slice.

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

He sat there for a good minute eating it off the floor with a fork. Definitely broken.

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u/kynthrus 14d ago

Pulls fork out of shirt pocket, "What're we eatin'?"

235

u/GeneralBlumpkin 14d ago Take My Energy

Looks like cheesecakes back on the menu boys!

pulls out spork

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u/milk4all 14d ago

Ok so my 1 year old daughter managed to grab a olastic fork while we made plates and i was holding her so i let her keep it, made her happy. A minute later i see she has one in each hand, idk where she got the second. This seems excessive so it’s now i consider who she could poke her eye with one and i take them but im unwilling to throw rhen away knowing they arent “used” but also cant go back into the clean form container. So i stick one in each back pocket and forget about them. Then, a little later, im standing in the kitchen directing traffic and someone goes “we out of forks?” And im like “ here, take this one” and i whip the fork out if my back pocket to their amazement and i go “Dw, i have a spare, take it”. And even as i go to grab more plastic forks, a kid goes “oh I need another fork too” and im like “BAM” with my other back pocket fork and the 3 people still in the kitchen are like clapping practically and i say, “I always keep..

takes 2 steps back

…. back up forks!”

And my father in law is one of the 3 and he looked proud af . Anyway that material is so fresh i havent even told my wife yet but im bout to, but you’re welcome.

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u/BoringCrow3742 14d ago

i dont know who you are, or where you are, but i have dispatched the assassins. your line ends with you.

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u/GoHomeNeighborKid 14d ago

Unless those assassins are wearing armor plates, they are gonna be forked

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u/LynxBartle 14d ago

Never waste a good cheesecake

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u/TyroneSuave 14d ago

Wasn’t that what got David hasslehoff to rehab?

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u/Psycho_Cat_Norman 14d ago

Close. That was a cheeseburger. 😆

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u/somenemophilist 14d ago

Joey Tribbiani would approve.

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u/i_eat_roadkilI 14d ago

My first thought!! “What are we eating??”

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u/model1966 14d ago Helpful

And you want to be my latex salesman

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u/Rinzzler999 14d ago

this has some old school top text bottom text meme energy

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u/DoctorParmesan 13d ago

Perhaps demotivational poster, even

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u/Rinzzler999 13d ago

When life gives you cake

Fuckin hell you dropped it you're a failure.

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u/Kuromeru 13d ago

Wait that's considered old school now?

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u/20190419 14d ago Silver Gold Helpful Wholesome All-Seeing Upvote hehehehe Starry Giggle Table Slap Calculating

I'm no detective, but I think the cheesecake murdered your brother and then committed suicide.

2.4k

u/Booksmagic 14d ago Wholesome

insert gif of Joey taking out fork and eating cheesecake off floor

905

u/Mountainbranch 14d ago Wholesome

Custard, good

Jam, good

Meat, goood!

258

u/parthjoshi09 14d ago

Coinicidentally it was ThanksGiving in that epsiode too.

161

u/CrackinBones204 14d ago

More turkey mr Chandler?

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u/yourpantsaretoobig 14d ago

That’s alright. I’ll just have tomato soup, grilled cheese and a family-sized bag of Funyuns.

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u/not_your_attorney 14d ago

“Joey, those are my maternity pants.”

“No, these are my Thanksgiving pants!”

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u/chriscrossnathaniel 14d ago

"All right, what are we having?"

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u/djprofitt 14d ago

One of the funniest things Joey has said or done, cause he was so casual about everything, from see 2 friends eating from the floor(and not judging), to having the utensil in his pocket, to asking to join

57

u/noradosmith 14d ago

Possibly the funniest moment in the series. The other contender is Ross hitting himself on the head when he's trying to pull on the leather trousers. Or Pivot.

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u/djprofitt 14d ago

Ha! In setting up the dinner table tonight for thanksgiving, I totally had a Pivot! moment

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u/anislandinmyheart 14d ago

Agree! It's one of my favourite episodes with him. Also his jar of jam

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u/saladroni 14d ago

Just a treat from the big cheesecake conglomerate…. Mama’s Little Bakery!

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u/natenate22 14d ago

As long as you stay above that thin layer touching the floor, you should be good.

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u/jammixxnn 14d ago

Wasn’t that chandler and Rachel in the hallway?

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u/LlamaDrama007 14d ago

Yeah, Joey comes along and pulls out a fork from his jacket to join in.

Because of course Joe is prepared at all times for food opportunities even if they're dropped cheesecake eaten off the floor. xD

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u/seffend 14d ago

Yes, but then Joey walked into the scene and grabbed a fork out of his jacket pocket and was like, "what're we having?"

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u/jammixxnn 14d ago

Pocket forks for everyone this holiday season!

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u/20190419 14d ago

Cheesecake is cheesecake! 5 second rule does not apply.

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u/navcus 14d ago

Just another wild night in Wizard City!

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u/Hkgpeanut 14d ago

I am actually, a blueberry.....

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u/finkalicious 14d ago

He looks like a dead skyrim npc that you've looted all of the clothes off

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u/Halo_Chief117 14d ago

Lol that’s what I was thinking. Someone poisoned the cheesecake and waited for him to eat it after having memorized his NPC routine lol.

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u/nerdgirl71 14d ago

Not all of it touched the floor. Grab a fork.

1.1k

u/CarelessWhisperRules 14d ago Helpful

Yeah just don’t eat the parts of your brother that touched the floor

209

u/Theozie 14d ago

bro we gotta eat that cake

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u/Jexroyal 14d ago

yeah, that beefcake

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u/a_likely_story 14d ago Silver

ass up? we’re good 👅👅

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u/babysnatcherr 14d ago

/unsubscribe

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u/th_aftr_prty 14d ago

Give me this man’s subscription please

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u/HurricaneHugo 14d ago

I also choose this man's subscription.

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u/Greg18732 14d ago Silver

Alright what are we eating

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u/slobyGYN 14d ago

Thank you for the Friends reference I was looking for, jfc...

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u/Jerrnjizzim 14d ago

I loved how he just pulled out his own fork like it was a normal thing for him

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u/jizzlevania 14d ago LOVE!

I zoomed in to see if he was hurt or anything, but instead became laser focused on his balls. A little something to be thankful for after all.

791

u/__WellWellWell__ 14d ago

I'm laughing because I did the same thing. Balls. Just.. balls.

358

u/Agile-Goat-137 14d ago

I mean who doesn’t appreciate a good set of balls?

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u/Justfuxn3 14d ago

Came here for balls. Was not disappointed

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u/VeterinarianThese951 14d ago

What flavor is it? Chloroform?

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u/FunnyShirtGuy 14d ago Wholesome

'The startled brother will play dead in hopes the sister will just move on without investigating further' -Discovery channel

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u/Eyes_and_teeth 14d ago

It turns out that she in fact did not move on. -Morgan Freeman

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u/PyramidOfMediocrity 14d ago

Breaks the fourth wall and looks at the camera quizically.

-Martin Freeman

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u/Gryll79 14d ago

"And you want to be my latex salesman"

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u/Frank-Costanza- 14d ago

Vandelay!! Say Vandelay!!

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

Just showed this to my brother. He is thoroughly enjoying reading all the roasts and funny comments. Keep em coming!

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u/CatVideoFest 14d ago Silver Masterpiece

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

Omg. I love this!

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u/Eeszeeye 14d ago

"So there I was, knife poised to cut a slice of that mouthwateringly delicious cheese cake, when the cat rocketed in through the catflap with a mouse in her mouth, dropped her pray as she collided with my knees, and the mouse hit me square in the family jewels."

I awoke some hours later to discover I'd become a meme while unconscious.

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u/nirgoon 14d ago

Is he enjoying the comments admiring his stuffing?

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u/Competitive_Juice902 14d ago

Yup. Probably decided to treat himself with a pie...

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u/hankappleseed 14d ago

Nobody seems to be asking but did he faint? Was he drunk? Is he okay?

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u/Lord_Armadyl 14d ago

Should print and frame this as his Christmas gift.

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u/Famixofpower 14d ago

How did he fall, tho?

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u/The_Deadlight 14d ago

damn your brother has a massive nutsack

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u/mooshy_201 14d ago

No wonder he fell, his balls weighed him down and he lost balance.

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u/Ok_Actuator_5091 14d ago

So who's piece of pecan pie is that on the counter?

1.4k

u/dingus_45 14d ago

Probably also his lmao

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u/KiwiEV 14d ago

First time I had pecan pie was when I moved to the USA and experienced my first thanksgiving.

Well, nothing quite so devilishly delightful had ever touched my lips until that pecan-enchanted forkful of pure, blissful filth ruined me forever. Since I sinned that day, I've never been able to go back to ordinary cakes and pies.

I've had two glasses of wine so I'm feeling a bit silly now. But we are ALL silly on this blessed day.

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u/dosequisbeerguy 14d ago

"Rode into town on fumes, Clark."

"This here's a piece of government plastic. knocks on head It used to be metal, but every time the wife fired up the microwave, I pissed my pants and forgot who I was for 'bout half an hour."

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u/pkyessir 14d ago

Real nice 👌

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u/SamuraiSlick 14d ago

Cheesecake and beefcake on the floor. A classic whodunit.

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u/Christ_on_a_Crakker 14d ago

Dudes got nice calves.

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u/scheepers 14d ago

And it doesn't stop there...

871

u/laursieb 14d ago

It must be a brother thing. My brother did this a few Christmases ago. Fortunately he was clothed but the cheese cake was a total loss.

372

u/Mecha_Tortoise 14d ago

Sorry for your loss.

160

u/LIEUTENANT__CRUNCH 14d ago

Thoughts and prayers 🙏

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u/seansy5000 14d ago Helpful

Tarts and eclairs 🤌

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u/kynthrus 14d ago

I read "unfortunately" like 3 times before I saw it right. I was questioning your relationship.

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u/Hellothere2515 14d ago

Ah the old poisoned cheesecake prank, a classic!

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u/Dry-Area-2027 14d ago

This year we're going to play Clue.

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u/Dana07620 14d ago

Reminds me of the time when I heard a thump in the middle of the night.

It woke me up and I realized exactly what it was and said, "Beauty knocked the lemon cake off the kitchen counter." Beauty being my cat who doesn't listen to the experts that cats aren't supposed to like sweet food or the taste of citrus.

Sure enough I walked into the kitchen to see the lemon cake, upside down, in its container on the floor. The impact had knocked the bottom (now the top) of the container off. And Beauty was happily eating the cake. She made impressive inroads in it given she only had a minute or so to eat it.

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u/usrdef 14d ago

I'd check to make sure the cheesecake is ok.

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

It was not

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u/bingold49 14d ago

Be honest, did you eat some parts of the cheesecake that didn't touch the floor while cleaning it up?

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

I came back into the kitchen like 5 mins later and found him sitting on the floor with a fork. So yeah

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u/Admirable-Leopard-73 14d ago

Ahhh, yes, the 500 second rule...

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u/moonshinedegreaser 14d ago

Such a waste of some good cheesecake. Also what am I seeing exactly?

1.1k

u/[deleted] 14d ago

[deleted]

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

He did the unforgivable

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u/throwawaywahwahwah 14d ago

He fucked the cheesecake?????!?

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u/Jdogy2002 14d ago

In Cheesecake culture, this is known as a dick move.

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u/epi_glowworm 14d ago

Only acceptable. Plus, mom already came out and just went back to bed knowing it was only her son.

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u/Traditional_Wear1992 14d ago

I had a similar cheesecake dropping experience at my sisters this year, I was sad, then I realized only the top/what touched the ground is bad. The whole thing landed basically top down with little movement, so yes, I did eat floor cheesecake.

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u/moonshinedegreaser 14d ago

I'm trying really hard to judge you, but for some reason I can't. I totally get it

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u/WestCoastBestCoast01 14d ago

I meeaaan I’ve never heard that bacteria can climb cheesecake so logic checks out?

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u/belowspot 14d ago

A crime scene.

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u/moonshinedegreaser 14d ago Silver

In the Cheesecake Justice system, cheesecake based offenses are considered especially heinous. In "This Person's Kitchen", the dedicated detectives who investigate these vicious felonies are members of an elite squad known as the Special Desserts Unit. These are their stories

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u/TheRedSpyy115 14d ago

I see 2 cakes 😉

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u/cockknocker1 14d ago

balls

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u/ClayyCorn 14d ago

Yeah, dude fell dick first. No one seems to be concerned about this

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u/Brad_Brace 14d ago edited 14d ago

r/upvotedbecauseballs

Edit ok, I didn't know that was an actual sub, nor did I knew that video was there.

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u/GreenBottom18 14d ago

61 members. 371 online.

you've done well, lad.

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u/FarNegotiation106 14d ago

lmao, checked out the video cause of what you said. I feel sad for the gator, but that is hilariously stupid.

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u/TheDunadan29 14d ago

Florida man strikes again!

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u/givemebaconz 14d ago

The cheesecake ain't the only cake on the floor 😩

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u/IgnatiusDrake 14d ago

That is the butt of a man defeated, brought low by gravity taking away what he held most dear.

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u/Geek_f0r_sneaks 14d ago

Bros packin

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u/ACMop 14d ago

I think those are just the nuts from the piece of pecan pie on the counter

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u/mycalvesthiccaf 14d ago

Bro helicoptered and knocked himself out

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u/syahir77 14d ago

Packin cheesecake

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u/ursidae97 14d ago All-Seeing Upvote

Packing some fat cakes

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u/Minnesota_icicle 14d ago

I was sad about the cheesecake, decided I was eating it regardless then scanned the room and saw the man down and then thought damn what a waste lol

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u/Atharaphelun 14d ago

The only cake I saw was the cake on that man.

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u/Minnesota_icicle 14d ago

I aint had sex for over two years and I aint had cheesecake or anything with gluten for over 5. Priorities at this point!? Edit: I had a second to question myself after replying. I definitely want that fucking cheesecake and I don’t care it’s on the floor. I do still think it’s a shame about that man down too because I would have definitely done ate that too

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u/RecalledBurger 14d ago

Is he alright?!

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u/ThyLilDude101 14d ago

Yes he was laying from embarrassment

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u/seh0872 14d ago

Was this your world famous strychnine cheesecake?

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u/MonkeyPolice 14d ago

Ouch! And a family story that will live on for generations

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u/emmy1418 14d ago

Damn, your bro has an ASS

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u/Recon_Figure 14d ago

Knocked out?

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

Nah. Just too embarrassed to get up

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u/benefit_of_mrkite 14d ago

Was alcohol involved?

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u/I_AM_WEW_LAD 14d ago

I’m gonna say yes, but I’m no expert.

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u/ashpanda24 14d ago

As an expert, I'm saying it's a definitive "yes."

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u/cman811 14d ago

Some people go pretty hard on blackout wednesday

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u/ImAWizardYo 14d ago edited 14d ago hehehehe

He played "1-Tequila" and got past 3.

Edit: Thanks for the award. 🙇‍♂️

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u/meltedpeachsorbet 14d ago

Bro's bick and dalls are just smushed into the floor 😭

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u/Ruthops 14d ago

Is he diabetic?

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u/Fine_Cheek_4106 14d ago

When Cheesecakes Attack

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u/whatevermode 14d ago

Is this a freaky whodunnit type of thing? I’ll play.

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u/_Vaporwav3 14d ago

Plot twist: op sneaked out for the cheese cake and dropped it on the floor. Brother came out and was the only eyewitness

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u/Delicious_Ad_1187 14d ago

I’d eat that cake! 😏

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u/Mick0351 14d ago

Man! He’s has some balls…

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u/Neospiker 14d ago

Haha, skipping the cake and going right to the goods

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u/Adawg63 14d ago

that is a defeated man

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u/kbeckerburbs4 14d ago

Is he dead or just high/drunk?

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u/ThyLilDude101 14d ago

He was embarrassed so he laid there sober

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u/dingus_45 14d ago

Yup. Sober as could be

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u/box_me_up 14d ago

This increases the embarrassment

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u/kbeckerburbs4 14d ago

Even funnier

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u/No_Seat8013 14d ago

New “American Pie” movie “American Cake”

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u/Thoughtfulprof 14d ago

Worth the price of the cheesecake to have this to hold over his head.

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u/Outside_Hope_3383 14d ago

And you want to be my latex salesmen